...I feel like such a drama queen. It's been almost 36 hours since we took Lola in to be put to sleep. Not that that's a lot of time, but I feel like I shouldn't be having these mini meltdowns and being constantly weepy. I haven't put makeup on in two days because I just never know when the water works are going to start.
I mean seriously, it's ridiculous. In my own defense I am a bag of hormones the way it is. But today the farmer had to return something at Auto Zone and he came back to the car to find me sobbing. He was like, what is your problem? I really can't explain this. I'm way too emotional about this.
It seems like no matter what I do, something reminds me of some quirky thing Lola used to do. When I drove up the driveway last night as I got home from work I realized she'll never run down the driveway her crooked, sideways run to greet me at my car door. When there's a thunderstorm I will miss the way we had to bring her in our room because she was so scared she would beat any door down. The door between our breezeway has a hole in it the size of her that she would climb through. Delivery men never came up the driveway because she stood there staring them down, she got SO excited when I would come to her room with the leash in my hand, I mean SO excited she could hardly contain herself. The list goes on...
The worst part is I can't get the picture out of my head of her last breaths. When the veterinarian put the stethoscope up to her chest and said "that's it", I lost it. The image in my brain of her half open eyes and lifeless body just kill me. Yet, I would have not had it any other way. I wanted to be there and I am glad I went. Someone offered to take her for us and I really couldn't imagine not being with her in those last moments. It was perfect and horrible all at the same time. She really didn't trust anyone except the farmer and I so to have her life end like that without the people whom she loved and trusted the most would have been doubly awful.
That was it, sorry if this seems dramatic to you too...trust me, I get it. But I just had to jot these memories/thoughts down because I'm just having a rough time dealing with all of this. Off to do some work...good night from the farm.
-The Farmer's Wife
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Lola "Monster" Spielman (Nov 2005-Jan 2013)
It's still a little shocking to think that she'll never be by our sides again. I have a lump in my throat and tears flowing down my cheeks as I write this.
We loved Lola as much as anyone ever loved a pet. She was our protector, she was the farmer's trusty side kick, she only barked to warn us of danger, she was patient with her rambunctious dog brothers and her human brother, Jack. Lola was our definition of the perfect dog. She chased chickens, she played in the pond, she followed the farmer around like his second shadow.
I have never had to put a pet down before, so this whole thing was brand new to me. I can remember the farmer's sadness when our first chicken "Girl" was found slain in the barn, he was sad and had missed her because she was from his original flock. I remember feeling sad for him. But honestly - as ridiculous as that story is - that was my first experience with losing a "pet", if you can even call her that. Then we lost Scott and Walker, the original ducks. That was also a sad day. But nothing compares to the wrenching sadness of this day.
I mean this was gut wrenching- to watch a dog who, just yesterday seemed like she had a chance and had so much life left to give- go from full of life, to a motionless body within a matter of minutes. Wiping my own tears and the farmers as he clenched her and pet her head. It seemed like the right decision and the wrong one all at the same time. The infection in her leg had gotten so bad that there was no skin left on the inside of her hind leg, tendons and muscles were exposed and she was bleeding. It was only going to get worse, the medicine wasn't working anymore and it was hard to watch her suffer. In my heart I know we did the right thing, but it just seemed extreme. It's only been 4 days since we noticed a problem. Everything happened so quickly we really had no time to really wrap our heads around losing her completely.
I will say this, I am loving my other two dogs more than I ever have. I can remember being so annoyed with Lola for snuggling up on my clothes or laying on our clean bed and getting hair all over it, or being so mad when she would rub up against me when I was all dressed for work and shed all over my black pants. I'm telling you that all seems so silly right now and I would really give anything to have her shed all over me again. Now as I look at the blood stained towels that we used to clean her wound it just rips my heart out all over again.
I never thought that we would have to say good bye to her first. Honestly, this day seemed like it would be forever away, I thought my kids would be in college before we would have to deal with saying goodbye to our pets. Reggie, is like the dog of eternal youth, will probably never die, but I guess now maybe that's a good thing. And Amos, while his mouth is rotting away and he has more teeth problems than most elderly people, is thriving and really is a good snuggle buddy-as bad as he smells. It's going to be impossible to replace Lola and I wish for the farmer's sake that it wasn't frozen outside, we couldn't even bring her home to bury her here. I was going to suggest a burial at sea (the pond) but thought that might be ridiculous. But she loved that pond. Then I sort of laughed at my own idea, so I didn't bring it up.
I am going to have to start training Reggie to run. How else am I going to get this baby weight off? She kept my pace, she protected me, she could go 3 miles no problem. She was perfect for running with. I feel so sad, I can't even imagine what the farmer is dealing with right now. I mean he loved that dog more than anything. I really had hoped it wouldn't have to come to this. But he didn't want to see her suffer anymore. It's hard to watch someone you love hurt so much.
Well, before this post gets totally out of hand, I will just say goodbye. Lola, you were a great dog, who loved us and listened and we're so sorry there wasn't more we could do. We fought so hard to save you, but it wasn't enough. Love you forever, our sweet girl, Lola. <3
Until next time,
The Farmer's Wife