...I feel like such a drama queen. It's been almost 36 hours since we took Lola in to be put to sleep. Not that that's a lot of time, but I feel like I shouldn't be having these mini meltdowns and being constantly weepy. I haven't put makeup on in two days because I just never know when the water works are going to start.
I mean seriously, it's ridiculous. In my own defense I am a bag of hormones the way it is. But today the farmer had to return something at Auto Zone and he came back to the car to find me sobbing. He was like, what is your problem? I really can't explain this. I'm way too emotional about this.
It seems like no matter what I do, something reminds me of some quirky thing Lola used to do. When I drove up the driveway last night as I got home from work I realized she'll never run down the driveway her crooked, sideways run to greet me at my car door. When there's a thunderstorm I will miss the way we had to bring her in our room because she was so scared she would beat any door down. The door between our breezeway has a hole in it the size of her that she would climb through. Delivery men never came up the driveway because she stood there staring them down, she got SO excited when I would come to her room with the leash in my hand, I mean SO excited she could hardly contain herself. The list goes on...
The worst part is I can't get the picture out of my head of her last breaths. When the veterinarian put the stethoscope up to her chest and said "that's it", I lost it. The image in my brain of her half open eyes and lifeless body just kill me. Yet, I would have not had it any other way. I wanted to be there and I am glad I went. Someone offered to take her for us and I really couldn't imagine not being with her in those last moments. It was perfect and horrible all at the same time. She really didn't trust anyone except the farmer and I so to have her life end like that without the people whom she loved and trusted the most would have been doubly awful.
That was it, sorry if this seems dramatic to you too...trust me, I get it. But I just had to jot these memories/thoughts down because I'm just having a rough time dealing with all of this. Off to do some work...good night from the farm.
-The Farmer's Wife